Thursday, October 15, 2009
Call Me Needy
I don't know how to tell you I need you without sounding needy, annoying, or like i'm craving attention. I just really need you. And right now I need you to not be so distant. Can you do that please? For me? I just need my best friend.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Call Me Charlie
“I feel infinite.” A popular phrase from one of my new favorite books, The Perks of Being A Wallflower. The book is about a boy named Charlie, or so he says it is, who writes these letters to some anonymous person, you the reader, and changes the names of everyone in the story so that no one can trace the letters back to him. The letters are merely a way for Charlie to just talk to someone and tell them how he truly feels. Charlie, in many ways, is the quintessential awkward kid with no friends- the child who spends his time alone, observes much, over analyzes and thinks too much, and is always asking why. Though, alone and awkward, he’s had his share of tragedies and has got his portion of tribulations.
Charlie has spent much of his life trying to cope with his feelings of loss and combat anxiety. The signature phrase, “I feel infinite” comes from a scene in the book when Charlie and his new friends, Sam and Patrick, are driving through a long tunnel after the homecoming game on their way to a party. In that moment, Charlie feels something that would set the tone for the rest of the book.
“There is a feeling that I had Friday night after the homecoming game that I don’t know if I will ever be able to describe except to say that it is warm. Sam and Patrick drove me to the party that night, and I sat in the middle of Sam’s pickup truck. […] The feeling I had happened when Sam told Patrick to find a station on the radio. And he kept getting commercials. And commercials. And a really bad song about love that had the word ‘baby’ in it. And then more commercials. And finally he found this really amazing song about this boy, and we all got quiet.
“Sam tapped her hand on the steering wheel. Patrick held his hand outside the car and made air waves. And I just sat between them. After the song finished, I said something
“’I feel infinite.’
“And Sam and Patrick looked at me like I said the greatest thing they ever heard. Because the song was that great and because we all really paid attention to it. Five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, and we felt young in a good way. I have since bought the record, and I would tell you what it was, but truthfully, it’s not the same unless you’re driving to your first real party, and you’re sitting in the middle of a seat of a pickup with two nice people when it starts to rain.”
Truth is: I don’t feel infinite- I never have. To be honest, at this point, I don’t think I feel like tomorrow. I want to feel like I’m needed. I want to feel like I have a purpose. I want to have an experience that of It’s A Wonderful Life where someone shows me my purpose. I want to feel special, like I’ve made a difference in someone’s life- like someone needs me.
Some days I feel so lonely. It’s days like that when I don’t hear from my friends at all. It’s days like that I relate to Charlie most. I feel like I annoy the people I’m closest to, like they all have better things to do than talk to me.
I want to feel infinite, but for now I’ll have to settle on feeling nothing at all.
Charlie has spent much of his life trying to cope with his feelings of loss and combat anxiety. The signature phrase, “I feel infinite” comes from a scene in the book when Charlie and his new friends, Sam and Patrick, are driving through a long tunnel after the homecoming game on their way to a party. In that moment, Charlie feels something that would set the tone for the rest of the book.
“There is a feeling that I had Friday night after the homecoming game that I don’t know if I will ever be able to describe except to say that it is warm. Sam and Patrick drove me to the party that night, and I sat in the middle of Sam’s pickup truck. […] The feeling I had happened when Sam told Patrick to find a station on the radio. And he kept getting commercials. And commercials. And a really bad song about love that had the word ‘baby’ in it. And then more commercials. And finally he found this really amazing song about this boy, and we all got quiet.
“Sam tapped her hand on the steering wheel. Patrick held his hand outside the car and made air waves. And I just sat between them. After the song finished, I said something
“’I feel infinite.’
“And Sam and Patrick looked at me like I said the greatest thing they ever heard. Because the song was that great and because we all really paid attention to it. Five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, and we felt young in a good way. I have since bought the record, and I would tell you what it was, but truthfully, it’s not the same unless you’re driving to your first real party, and you’re sitting in the middle of a seat of a pickup with two nice people when it starts to rain.”
Truth is: I don’t feel infinite- I never have. To be honest, at this point, I don’t think I feel like tomorrow. I want to feel like I’m needed. I want to feel like I have a purpose. I want to have an experience that of It’s A Wonderful Life where someone shows me my purpose. I want to feel special, like I’ve made a difference in someone’s life- like someone needs me.
Some days I feel so lonely. It’s days like that when I don’t hear from my friends at all. It’s days like that I relate to Charlie most. I feel like I annoy the people I’m closest to, like they all have better things to do than talk to me.
I want to feel infinite, but for now I’ll have to settle on feeling nothing at all.
Monday, October 5, 2009
J'ai besoin de toi ici
I feel like I'm losing you. You're my best friend. J'ai besoin de toi. Dieu sait que je vous avez besoin. Je ne peux pas vous perdre.
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