I'm pathetic and the epitome of a failure son, brother, and friend.


It's no wonder why no one has loved me. Not only do I not deserve it, I apparently repel it.

Sometimes I just want to die...

I'm tired of being lonely. And I'm tired of coming in second. I just want whats mine. I'm breaking down. God, somebody, ANYBODY, please hear me and stop me before I fall too far.

It's pathetic how much I fight for your attention. I swear, this is the fucking story of my life. I ALWAYS put so much more effort than the other. For once, I just want to know the effort, time, and care I put into my relationships are not going unnoticed and are treated like something of value. I'M pathetic. I'm so done trying, but I still can't stop.

Im so fucking tired of trying, putting in all the effort, and waiting for you to come around. I'm just fucking sick of it. I'm so hurt right now, all I ever do is to please/impress you, but I guess it's not enough cos nothing is EVER enough. I'm done. I'm done hurting. I'm done crying. And I'm definitely done with feeling like I mean absolutely nothing to you. Once, just ONCE I want to feel like I'm not just there because it's nice to have me there, but because you NEED me there. I fucking bend over backwards and jump through hoops for you. And the worst part is, I know the second you call my name, I'm going to buckle and crawl back just as fast as before.

And just like that...

It's done. I should have known. And now I'm falling and trying to breathe. In reality, I fell too hard and now I'm just reaping what I have so carelessly sewn. I'm so fucking pathetic and stupid.


Je suppose que l'amour est juste nit mon truc.

School, School, School

College. To say that I am both happy and excited for all of my friends to begin their new lives as college students and venture into the world of adulthood would be an understatement. It's such a huge leap of faith and I admire them so. They all have worked so hard to get there and I am so proud of them. But to say the thought of my friends leaving scares me would be an even bigger understatement. I depend on them far too much for it to be considered by any means healthy or rational. Don't get me wrong, I'm trying to learn to lean on God more, I am. But I don't think I'm strong enough to win this battle on my own. Maybe this is God presenting me with the opportunity to learn to stand on my own two feet? Maybe it's time for me to take the incentive and make an actual effort for myself and get better on my own. Who the he'll knows? But what I do know is that today, everything hit me with the weight of a freight train. To be honest, I'm scared to death. They're all leaving, they're doing great things with their lives, but I'm being left behind. I sound pathetic. Really. I did this to myself.


I just don't want them leave.