Call Me Needy

I don't know how to tell you I need you without sounding needy, annoying, or like i'm craving attention. I just really need you. And right now I need you to not be so distant. Can you do that please? For me? I just need my best friend.

Call Me Charlie

“I feel infinite.” A popular phrase from one of my new favorite books, The Perks of Being A Wallflower. The book is about a boy named Charlie, or so he says it is, who writes these letters to some anonymous person, you the reader, and changes the names of everyone in the story so that no one can trace the letters back to him. The letters are merely a way for Charlie to just talk to someone and tell them how he truly feels. Charlie, in many ways, is the quintessential awkward kid with no friends- the child who spends his time alone, observes much, over analyzes and thinks too much, and is always asking why. Though, alone and awkward, he’s had his share of tragedies and has got his portion of tribulations.
Charlie has spent much of his life trying to cope with his feelings of loss and combat anxiety. The signature phrase, “I feel infinite” comes from a scene in the book when Charlie and his new friends, Sam and Patrick, are driving through a long tunnel after the homecoming game on their way to a party. In that moment, Charlie feels something that would set the tone for the rest of the book.
“There is a feeling that I had Friday night after the homecoming game that I don’t know if I will ever be able to describe except to say that it is warm. Sam and Patrick drove me to the party that night, and I sat in the middle of Sam’s pickup truck. […] The feeling I had happened when Sam told Patrick to find a station on the radio. And he kept getting commercials. And commercials. And a really bad song about love that had the word ‘baby’ in it. And then more commercials. And finally he found this really amazing song about this boy, and we all got quiet.
“Sam tapped her hand on the steering wheel. Patrick held his hand outside the car and made air waves. And I just sat between them. After the song finished, I said something
“’I feel infinite.’
“And Sam and Patrick looked at me like I said the greatest thing they ever heard. Because the song was that great and because we all really paid attention to it. Five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, and we felt young in a good way. I have since bought the record, and I would tell you what it was, but truthfully, it’s not the same unless you’re driving to your first real party, and you’re sitting in the middle of a seat of a pickup with two nice people when it starts to rain.”
Truth is: I don’t feel infinite- I never have. To be honest, at this point, I don’t think I feel like tomorrow. I want to feel like I’m needed. I want to feel like I have a purpose. I want to have an experience that of It’s A Wonderful Life where someone shows me my purpose. I want to feel special, like I’ve made a difference in someone’s life- like someone needs me.
Some days I feel so lonely. It’s days like that when I don’t hear from my friends at all. It’s days like that I relate to Charlie most. I feel like I annoy the people I’m closest to, like they all have better things to do than talk to me.
I want to feel infinite, but for now I’ll have to settle on feeling nothing at all.

J'ai besoin de toi ici

I feel like I'm losing you. You're my best friend. J'ai besoin de toi. Dieu sait que je vous avez besoin. Je ne peux pas vous perdre.

Je suppose que vous pouvez dire.

Que j'ai problèmes d'insécurité. Big time.

Quitter le Merde

i guess you can say that i don't have the balls to tell this to you guys, but one day i will, believe me, that day will come. until then i will stick to this and even possibly leaving you random letters. hm... maybe.

here it goes...
what are you guys doing with your lives? like, seriously. you both had so much going for you. you guys were supposed to go to college. i don't even know who you guys are any more. constantly getting drunk or high or having meaningless sex. what happened to your sense of moral? i wish i could just walk up to you guys and slap some sense into you. would you at six years old even approve of what you're doing. what about your future children- with all do respect, if you are even alive long enough to have children, what will they think of what you're doing now? would you approve if they started this same bull shit. please, pardon my language, but c'mon, get your act together. i say these things to you guys with the deepest sense of love and affection. i really care about you guys. I'm just tired of seeing you throw your life away. this life is a precious, FRAGILE gift and I'd really hate to see you ruin it and toss it down the drain. i love you guys too much to let you do this to yourselves.

Hey Rube. C'est un appel à l'action.

Eternity is calling, but they can't even hear the call to answer it.

Le Temps de Vivre

I'm all huddle with no break. I'm all talk with no walk. I'm the welcome mat that refuses to be trampled over, but doesn't mind being stepped on. It's time for me to really do something; time to prove to this world that I'm not joking anymore. Too many wasted could've, should've, would'ves. I will no longer allow myself to be a blank canvas. My paints are out and I'm ready to create something the world will never forget. I'm tired of asking for help and not getting it from the people I need it from most. Vas te faire encule! Aujourd'hui est le mien pour le prélèvement, il est temps que je commencer à vivre!